Too Bad It’s Monday: The Best Jokes I Received in Last Week’s Email

Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week.

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. 4 weeks later their boss remarked, "You’re all working very hard, and I’m quite satisfied with you. However, one of our Secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the Others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For 4 weeks we’ve been eating supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!

Mrs. Feeney is busy in the kitchen and she hears a noise in the living room. "Is that you spitting in the fireplace, Paddy," she says.
Paddy replies," No, but I’m getting closer."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me…I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a glass of gin and then ........... Then," he sighed, "let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbiths?”
The shopkeeper’s heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my python weally givth a phuck.”

There was a bear and a rabbit, and they found a magic lamp. So they both rubbed it at the same time, and a genie popped up. The Genie said " I will grant you each 3 wishes"

So the bear went first; he said "I wish that all the bears in the park were all girls except for me."

Then the rabbit said "I wish I had a motorcycle"

The Bear said "I wish all the bears in the state were all girls except for me

Then the rabbit said "I wish I had a helmet for my motorcycle"

The Bear said "I wish all the bears in the world were all girls except for me "

Then the Rabbit said "I wish Bear was gay"

A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car when he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman said "Excuse me Sir, you can’t drive around with 20 penguins in the back of your car, take them to the zoo please", the man confirmed that he would indeed take them to the zoo.

The next day the same man again with 20 penguins in the back of his car drives down the same road and passes the same policeman. Annoyed, the policeman pulls him over again. "Oi mate" he says "I told you yesterday to take them penguins to the zoo". The man replied "I did officer....and today I’m taking them to the movies!"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

KATZ

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