AMAZON

Monday, January 07, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

CONCERN: For the thousands of people in eastern Australia stranded by some of the worst flooding Australia has seen in 20 years. BBC Report is HERE.


Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on Too Bad It’s Monday, my goal has been achieved.

Bob and his wife live in Toledo, Ohio. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial—a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"

Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.

40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Cup

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer. Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2008

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2

In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:

"Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".

A West Virginia evangelist was holding forth in a tent meeting regarding the evils of believing in the spirit world and he asked the faithful, "How many of you have seen a ghost?"

Hands go up.

"OK, now, how many of you have talked to a ghost?"

Not so many hands go up.

"Now, brothers and sisters, how many of you have played cards with a ghost?"

Still fewer hands.

In summation, the preacher asks, "Dearly beloved, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?".

This time, only one hand goes up, all the way in the back. It's a little old man with thick bifocals and overalls. The preacher exhorts, "Come forth, brother!"

The little old man comes up front and the preacher dramatically leaves the podium and puts his arm over the shoulders of the old man and says, "Now, relate your experience of having sex with a ghost."

The little old man adjusts his hearing aid and says, "Ghost? I thought you said goat."

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."








KATZ

23 comments:

  1. I like that cat between two treetrunks: how undignified. Cats are really good at preserving their dignity. Usually....

    This Monday is aparently the biggest day of the year for divorce lawyers. All those frayed-out people having finally lost patience over the Xmas holidays season and having given it just one more week to see if things might work out finally snap ...

    :-/

    ☆*´¨`*☆.¸¸.☆*´¨`*☆.¸¸.☆*´¨`*☆.¸¸.☆*´¨`*☆

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  2. Nick -- the ghost joke cracked me up! I laughed out loud.

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  3. Ah, I now understand the Monday funnies. I needed that...now for some coffee.

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  4. Thank you once again for the much needed laugh... ;-)

    LOVE the slinky.

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  5. I love Mondays - since I found your blog! :)

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  6. As a Canadian, I resemble that comment!

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  7. I can never miss a Monday Nick, you counter my madness with your humor. I love the Canadian temp thing as well we fit that here in WI too.
    The cat ones as usual - great, and I think I may be snitching the Life one.

    Okay, I am begging my pals for a bit of help today and this week. I entered a poetry contest, part of my writing goal, and am asking you pop here: http://wannabeawritersomeday.blogspot.com/2008/01/i-am-entering-poetry-contest-yikes-and.html and if you like what you read, think about following the link at the end of the post and voting for me.
    Thanks a bunch.
    Your pal, Penelope

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  8. Nick, go to the main Cafe blog page, and then click on the link for my writing blog, the poem is located there.

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  9. lol!!!
    "-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
    Ethyl alcohol freezes.
    Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg."
    that has to be the funniest thing i have read (the whole list really).. hehe!! I was born waaaaaay up north and i know cold. I have lived south (and trust me, alberta is south) for over ten years now and have become climatised.. thank the gods!! It is way too cold up there!!

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  10. These jokes are the perfect way to end an imperfect Monday.

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  11. I did enjoy the top ten thoughts. :) ec

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  12. Laughing my head off like I always do when I visit you on Monday.

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  13. "Ghost? I thought you said goat."

    Uproariously funny!

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  14. Brilliant! Brilliant! Thanks for all of those Nick.
    I hope everything went ok today for you. :o) xx

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  15. The last two pussycats I like best!

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  16. Lots of funny stuff!

    Thank you for the good laugh.

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  17. very funny cat pictures! great post - and yeah the people up in north nsw and the gold coast are not having a great time right now, poor buggers.

    Take care and have a wonderful week!

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  18. Love the jokes, love the kitty pics eeven more!

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  19. Great jokes and pictures. I have a friend who was born and raised in Newfoundland, will have to send her the Canadian part!

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  20. ` You're always so reliable for Monday jokes... but I'm not so reliable that I read them on time.

    ` PS THEY COOKED SANTA? Now what do we do?

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