Too Bad It’s Monday: The Best Jokes I Received in Last Week’s Email

Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. There are not as many as usual, but most are exceptionally long. Enjoy!

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he went in, sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00
Fried Explorer: $ 15.00
Baked Politician: $ 100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story......

(Maybe not the one Most of you expect.... So, read on!)

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be
refreshed."

There
was a fish in the water
thinking,

"Gosh...if
that fly goes down three inches, I can eat
him."

There
was a bear on the shore
thinking,

"Gosh...if
that fly goes down three
inches
That
fish will jump for the fly...
And
I will grab the fish!!"

It
also happened that a hunter was farther up the
bank
Of
the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich....

"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down
three inches...
And that fish leaps for
it...
That
bear will expose himself and grab for the
fish.
I'll
shoot the bear and have a proper
lunch."

Now,
you probably think this is Enough activity on one river
bank,

But I can tell you there's
more....

A
wee mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking,

"Gosh,
if that fly goes down three
inches...
And
that fish jumps for that fly..
And
that bear grabs for that
fish..
The
dumb hunter will shoot the
bear
And
drop his cheese sandwich."

A
cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought,
(as
was fashionable to do on the banks
of
This
particular river around lunch
time)

"Gosh...if
that fly goes down three
inches..
And
that fish jumps for that fly
..
And
that bear grabs for that fish
And
that hunter shoots that bear..
And
that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich

Then
I can have mouse for lunch."


The
poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that
he
Heads
down for the cooling mist of the
water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The
bear grabs the fish..

The
hunter shoots the bear..

The
mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich...

The
cat jumps for the mouse..

The
mouse ducks...

The
cat falls into the water and
drowns.


NOW,
The Moral Of The Story....



Whenever
a fly goes down three inches,

Some
pussy is gonna be in serious danger.

Wit and Wisdom from Military Manuals
===============================================================

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

---------------------------------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed' - U.S. Air Force Manual

---------------------------------------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy' - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

---------------------------------------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend.' - U.S. Marine Corps

---------------------------------------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.' - USAF Ammo Troop

----------------------------------------------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur

---------------------------------------------------
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.' - Infantry Journal

---------------------------------------------------
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.' - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt.

----------------------------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

----------------------------------------------------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds' - Infantry Journal

----------------------------------------------------
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

----------------------------------------------------
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' - David Hackworth

-----------------------------------------------------
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' - Infantry Journal

---------------------------------------------------
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' - Joe Gay

------------------------------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - unknown

------------------------------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit

-------------------------------------------------------
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'

---------------------------------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop

-------------------------------------------------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

-------------------------------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'
- From an old carrier sailor

------------------------------------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter—and therefore, unsafe.'

---------------------------------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'

---------------------------------------------------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'

---------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'

---------------------------------------------------
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

---------------------------------------------------
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'

---------------------------------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

---------------------------------------------------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

--------------------------------------------------------
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut

--------------------------------------------------------
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )

---------------------------------------------------
'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

--------------------------------------------------------
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'

---------------------------------------------------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

--------------------------------------------------------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

---------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'

---------------------------------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

---------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

A young boy, about 14 years old was walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came to a house of ill repute, and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.'

The Madam figured, what the hell, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'


He said, 'Well, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she's very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the disease, and

HE'S the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my frog!

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS, THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'TWANT TO FIX STEPS

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.....

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING .

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO… DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

KATZ