AMAZON

Monday, February 25, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes


Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. Enjoy!


Check out the new computer screen cleaner HERE. (Swiped from Courtney).



AROUND THE OFFICE






A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


A man from Boston moved to New York.

As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique shop and decided to go in. On looking around he noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which had a tag on it saying, "Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".

The man was very curious and asked the salesman to explain.

"Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the cat and $150 for its story".

"I'll just take the cat," said the man.

"Very well, but you will be back," said the salesman.

The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.

As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing sound. On turning around he noticed there were a couple of cats following him.

The further he walked the more cats seemed to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he turned to see thousands of cats behind him.

"Screw this!" he said to himself and threw the bronze cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river too and were drowned.

The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.

"I knew you would be back. $150.00 for the story," said the salesman.

"Forget the story," said the man. "Have you got a bronze Yankees’ fan?"


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."


A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


Celebrity Wisdom

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. ~ Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. ~ Mariah Carey, singer

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. ~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. ~ Joe Theisman, former NFL quarterback & sports analyst.

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. ~ Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman

Rarely is the question asked:” Is our children learning?” ~ George W. Bush, President of the United States of America



KATZ




28 comments:

  1. Carburetor? She must be driving a really old car!

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  2. Aw your jokes always make my Monday so much better :)

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  3. Awakening to your jokes is almost as good as my first cup of coffee.

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  4. Ahh I love it. And so do my co-workers. I had to send them the water cooler one!

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  5. Just love your blog.
    Hope you are keeping well.
    Big hugs to Alex.

    By the way, there is an award on my blog for you, come get it!

    :)

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  6. Hi Nick ~~ Good jokes as usual on a Monday. Hope you are feeling OK and not long to wait now for your appointments. Sorry I made you hungry with my turkey and sweet potatos.
    They are lovely meals. Take care, my friend, Blessings and Hugs, Merle.

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  7. Good ones!

    Thanks for taking the time to create this fine work of Monday morning wake-up smiles.

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  8. BWAA HAA HAAA!! I keep seeing you over at the Perfesser's Babble Place, and I decided to stop o'er. Good thing I did-- I needed that 2-day!!

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  9. What a perfect Monday morning post. Thankss for the laughter. I am hooked on the Muffin Saga. Peace

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  10. If you don’t mind me adding one,

    This lady was horny. Not just a warm feeling, but a screaming hormone type of ‘I have to have a man, now” type craving. She racks her brain to come up with a place to find a ready and willing man. She thinks and thinks and then realizes that an auto shop has men who work in an environment with necked women calendars and pictures hanging up all over the shop. This has got to be the place.

    She goes to a garage and walks up to a mechanic. He greets her and ask, “What can I do for you?”

    She sultrily and softly says, “I have an itchy pussy.”

    He rubbes his hands on a rag and says, “Lady, you have come to the right place. I can certainly take care of you. Just point out your Itchypussy; all these Japanese cars look alike to me.”

    Funny jokes, thanks.

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  11. You always make my Mondays Nick. Those were sidesplittingly funny!

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  12. My belly hurts from laughing!

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  13. I particularly liked the hiding the body cat:)

    According to my email you left me a comment but blogger appears to have eaten it.

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  14. It was a nice boost but I still need my coffee! Love the concentration of blonde jokes this time. Sometimes I think I am blonde but just don't know it.

    Very nice as always.

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  15. Thank you!
    My favorites? "While you were out ... " and the blonde ready to put the BM into her BMW.

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  16. Funny jokes. And your song of the day putting down the KKK is wicked!

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  17. I sae your comment on Tina's blog and just had to come visiting!
    Peace be with you.Mike

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  18. Very funny Nick! Thanks for brightening my day.

    Big hugs,
    Laurie

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  19. Well whaddaya know! A Blonde Joke where the blonde gets the better of the other. Didn't see it coming, make me laugh out loud.

    As to your query over at my place: 'twas truly the simplest of things. All that was required were the photo images and Photoshop, a quick search in their 'help' directory under "animation" led me to the toolbar, the rest was all layers and "tweening". Honestly, couldn't be simpler.

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  20. Another exceptional collection of jokes, Rev Saint.

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  21. Great selection, Nick. And an unusual take on a blonde joke!

    THose cat pictures - well, the words really, just make me laugh out loud.

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  22. haha... we all love a good blond joke...!!

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  23. I loved the cat pics! I think they are so funny and cute.
    Hope you are ok. :o)

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  24. LOVE THE SCREEN CLEANER!!!

    & the coffee jokes:)

    Thanks Nick!

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  25. Where do I get that complaint department & 'water' cooler?

    How's your leg Nick??

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