Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. This may seem like senior citizen joke week. It’s not, but Liz sent me many of these in one email and I just couldn’t resist posting all of them. Enjoy!

A Packer fan wins a radio raffle to a Packer's playoff game, and even though it's in the corner of the stadium, closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field, he's happy. Then he notices an empty seat about ten rows up, almost on the fifty-yard line. He works his way over and asks if the seat is taken. The man next to it says no. He sits and wonders aloud how someone would not use a ticket to a Packer game, and the man replies that the seat was his wife's but that she died. He asked if the fellow didn't have a relative or friend who would use the ticket, and the man replied, "Not really. They're all at her funeral.”

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A 95 year old man was walking down by the pond in late spring. He heard a frog talking to him. The frog said, "Pick me up, kiss me and I will fulfill your every wish."

So the old man picked up the frog, put him in his pocket, and walked on.

The frog said, "Why haven't you kissed me?"

The old man said, "At my age, having a talking frog is more interesting."

The Wisdom of Comedian Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

A small town was having a problem. Squirrels had invaded four churches in the town. Each church tried different ways to get rid of them:

The Baptists decided to wait until the squirrels wandered into the baptistery and then they would close the lid and trap them. But the squirrels were too fast for them and they ran away only to return the next day.

The Methodists decided that they could not do anything to harm God's creatures and so they did nothing. Squirrels overran them.

The Presbyterians decided they would catch the squirrels and take them out into the country and release them, which they did. However, a few days later the squirrels found their way back.

The Catholics took a very different approach. They baptized the squirrels and made them members of the congregation. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

KATZ