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Monday, April 14, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes



In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User (KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor: "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.

At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.

The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"

Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"

Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"

Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt— wash!"


A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.


How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.


A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
So his Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.



KATZ


27 comments:

  1. Excellent as usual, Rev Saint. The look on the face of that last KAT with the mice climbing on his head is priceless.

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  2. oh the mastercard moments, priceless ;)

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  3. Right! I am ready for work now! I love the Lolcats! They really make me giggle. :o) It's so much nicer starting the working day with a great big smile! Hope you are ok Nick! Give Alex a hug for me! :o)

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  4. Good jokes, Nick. The one about the lawyer, Rabbi, and Hindu holy man is hilarious. I have a luncheon engagement with a couple of attorneys and I am taking that one with me. I can’t wait to tell them the punch line.

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  5. I would love to read all your jokes right now, but unfortunately I don't have time because I have to go to work. It is a not a good Monday at all!

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  6. Ha...Love the cake topper and the picture of the cat and mice. Cheers Nick!!

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  7. The blond joke: not only is it funny, it is true.

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  8. Hi Nick ~~ Great jokes as usual. I liked the pig and the cow one best.
    Thanks for your comment and I sure did have a nice day. Today was pleasant also, so I can't complain. Hope you are doing well. Take care,
    Very Best Wishes, Merle.

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  9. i think this one might be the best yet!! lol... man alive those were good! i really liked the tech support and the bum.. hehehehehehe

    thanks for the laughs Mick :)

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  10. Thanks, Nick. I am now smiling so I can face the day.

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  11. Love the tech support about the wife and the cake topper is the best!

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  12. I love the Tech Support joke.
    Love my Monday humor fix.

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  13. Thanks for the jokes!

    The mice on the cat photo gives me the wigglies...

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  14. Oh I do enjoy my Mondays with you. :)

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  15. I can't wait to use the line about the bum on Dan, he'll get a kick out of it... eventually. :D

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  16. "When in doubt, wash." That is so true about my cats!!!

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  17. That last cat looks so fed-up!

    Have you tried ebay for the Saint? I just looked on ebay.co.uk and there is one omnibus, a hardback first edition, but it looks in worse condition than yours1

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  18. I just love the Monday jokes.Keep the comming,and the nice crawling on the cat is priceless.

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  19. That sure was a wise old man!

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  20. Hah, the 'Wife 1.0' joke is awesome, thanks for all the regular Monday humour!

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  21. This week my favourite joke was the cats'"I'd die for you!"

    How is the diet going? I did a bit of scrolling down and read about your nutrisystem.

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  22. Nick - these are wonderful! I LOVE the last picture.

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  23. The last picture really cracked me up..lol

    Good to see ya!

    Bradley
    The Egel Nest

    PS I apologize for my absentee blog visitation...the beautiful wife just got back into town tonight...and it was very busy in the nest!

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  24. I do not blame the pig and the cow!

    Obviously the gentleman did not read the agreement before upgrading and he certainly did not consult buddies 2.3 or else they would have set him straight about the upgrade. I am afraid all hope is lost now.

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