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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes



In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.



A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I made?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"




A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."


A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys -- smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............"Blow Job Revenge"



A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mamba snake. It has yellow and black stripes, and likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of it's tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of it's body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on," the friend urged.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ...Just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so banged up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever goosed a tiger?"

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and,". pausing to take another drink of beer..

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany, and said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young.......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little brat, what are you doing for the next generation?"



KATZ




So... you're one of those dudes who watches those boring TV fishing programs...
Do you ever wonder what they cut out of 'em?

video

36 comments:

  1. I suppose if I can post music from the future (Musical Mondays on Sunday nights), I shouldn't be surprised by TBIM Jokes on Sunday night. It's like a visit from the future!

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  2. Love the arrogant little brat one - perfect!

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  3. Always enjoy the katz and the fishing out-takes were hilarious! ec

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  4. Wonderful! I got to read Monday’s jokes before I went to bed. I hope I can sleep! Some of those jokes like the drink called Blow Job Revenge and the guy who goosed the tiger have me laughing to hard I bet I cant sleep. Thanks, Saintly Nick!

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  5. Another fine selection of laughs, Rev Saint. Thank you.

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  6. oooooooooooo

    alex is the last kat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i luv alex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. Just popping back for a (/n early morning!) second helping.

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  8. oh man that clip is so funny!!!! mwhahahahahahahahahaha watched it twice!

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  9. Thank you, Sir, for the jokes to brighten my day.

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  10. Husband has been watching those fishing funnies lately.
    Like taking me fishing isn't funny enough.
    As usual got me some morning chuckles to make Monday a brighter day.
    Hugs and love Nick.
    ~ Penelope Anne

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  11. Thank you, dear SS Nick!!!!!!!!!! I had forgotten how hilarious your Monday jokes are. I promise not to stay away so long in the future. You and Alex have made my day!

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  12. Thank you for starting my week off with lots of laffs.

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  13. I hate to be a spelling nazi, but shouldn't that read "Bloggin' IZ hard work"? ;)

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  14. I loved them all Nick but especially the first two - what a hoot!

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  15. Tanx I am laughing my fool head off.

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  16. "...agreed to a download from my hard drive".

    That's right: Real men don't have floppy disks!

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  17. Giggle giggle giggle

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  18. Oh mt God thae monday jokes were great and thanks for the video that was fantanstic!

    That's mt story and I'm sticking to it.

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  19. Some good chuckles again. Thanks!

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  20. I needed a laugh today. Thanks, Pastor Nick!! Love the joke about the guy in the hospital who was ‘all torn up.

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  21. I loved them so much so that I forwarded on a couple of them. Gotta love Monday at Nick’s blog.

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  22. Always knew idiots watched those fishing shows but until I saw that video I didn’t know that idiots made them too

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  23. You get great jokes in your inbox, Nick.

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  24. Thank you for sharing these, excellent humour!

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  25. The cat pictures have me in fits of giggles.

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  26. Hi-Ho-&-Off-To-Work-I-GoTuesday, June 03, 2008 6:52:00 AM

    I’m off to work with a smile on me mug.

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  27. Had to tell my kids the monkey joke. I couldn't help myself.

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  28. I needed a laugh today. Thanks Nick!! Love the joke about the guy in the hospital who was ‘all torn up.’ ;)

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  29. I enjoyed these all the way from Garfield to LOL Cat Alex!

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  30. That cartoon of the KKK dude at the pearly gates is classic.

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  31. Most enjoyable humour. The Katz are especially amusing.

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