Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler lost his place in the music and turned around and asked Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"

Rachmaninov replaied, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the poor dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

In the great tradition of American humor, the title of "First American Humorist" rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humor filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence:

• Fish and visitors smell after three days.
• Beware of the young Doctor & the old Barber.
• God works wonders now & then: Behold! A Lawyer who is an honest Man!
• A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.

After his wife died, an elderly Jewish man was given a parrot by his sons to keep him company. Eventually he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often, that it had learned to pray.

The old man was so thrilled, that he decided to take his parrot to the synagogue on Rosh Ha'shana (the Jewish New Year). When he entered with the bird, the rabbi tried to protest, but when he told them the parrot could pray (daven, in Yiddish), they got interested—though skeptical.

People began betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took all the bets.

The prayer starts—the bird is silent. The prayer continues—not a word from the bird. The prayer ends, and the old man, crestfallen, pays out the bets.

On the way home he asks his parrot: "What did you do to me? I know you can pray, you know you can pray, I bet you can pray—and you let me down!"

Says the parrot: "Look ahead, old man! Can you imagine what the odds will be like on Yom Kippur?"

Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies. ~ Conan O'Brien

How Many...

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to observe how the light bulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, actually, it only takes a couple to remove the old bulb, but then they get so involved in studying the old bulb (especially in trying to correlate its appearance with all other burned-out bulbs within a 1000 km radius), that they never get around to putting the new bulb in...

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, and five to form a society to preserve the memory of the old light bulb.

How many leaders of the Jesus Seminar does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, at first we thought maybe they could do it, but when they looked at the bulb they decided somehow that it really wasn't the bulb in question and put it down, and for quite some time now, they have been in the kitchen trying to 'unscrew' an onion--and there's not much of it left either...(hmmm...I just noticed something...when you look at an onion from the side, with its stem still attached, it looks like a letter from the alphabet...odd)

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on the room size--you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the 'old' bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly 'congealed' bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY required one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room

How many Creation Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it quickly, and one to point out that no transitional forms occurred at all.

How many Nietzschians does it take to change a light bulb?
.00001

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many fatalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, why fight it?

KATZ

Click over to Thomas’ blog to discover the background and significance of the above.