AMAZON

Monday, July 28, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year—in biology class."

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."






Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets Allowed," and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "Oh, okay then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!" The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Friends and Southern Friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mama and Daddy

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.


FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you

FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital and cook for you when you come home.

FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their Southern Friends

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”


DIVORCE PARTY CAKES



A new bride who was embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was introducing the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"



KATZ







Darth Vader Reports to the Boss:

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21 comments:

  1. I did chuckle much at the Daisy billboard. I have some Southern friends and I'm trying to be one. Never heard of a divorce party much less a cake for them - but I did laugh. :) ec

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  2. Hi Nick, glad to have you and your jokes aboard again. Hope the computer stays well...

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  3. Yay, you're back! What a strange bug or whatever it was that kept your blog from us all for that period of time. Like the new pic at the top of the page as well.

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  4. Lots of laffs this morning. Thank you!

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  5. Wonderful humour! Thank you.

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  6. Thanks for starting my week off with a laugh!

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  7. Thank you Nick, these were good for the soul,

    Peace and laughter,

    M

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  8. i must admit i dont really read your monday jokes but i love the pic's lol i all ways get a good lol thanks nick!

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  9. The divorce cakes and video were the best for me. I am so glad you are back.

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  10. These were well worth waiting for.

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  11. Thanks for the laughs Nick - it's definitely a Monday here!

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  12. As a yankee now living in the south, I love the friends/southern friends joke - definitely true!

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  13. Nick you have out done your self my friend. I could have used the first cake in 1978. Hugs and God's Blessings-Mike G. said that! (its an A.A. thing)

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  14. Glad to see you are back from Error land. Darn widget. Funny jokes. Peace

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  15. Congratulations, Rev Saint! You have some grand humor here! The new blog look is striking! Alex’s blog is very fine! And I not that you have reactivated your UCC on the Net blog!

    I am impressed, my friend. I am very impressed!

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  16. I love the southern friend. Its so true. I live in South Miss.I know alot of people make fun, and I know they seem stupid to some of ya'll.But Southern people can look right through you. They can be for the most part, warm as melted butter, or as cold as ice, also very strong in their convictions. Marie Antionette

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  17. THe basketball coach was Bobby Knight.

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  18. Lots of variety and amusement to this post. I love the southern friends bit...I would love to have a southern friend, they sound like pure gold.

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