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Monday, August 25, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes

Note of Celebration: This evening I finally was able to fix my computer woes! I had to use DOS (if that’s what it is still called) and skills that I thought I had long forgotten, but it worked where all of the other “fixes” failed! Now I can again use all of the programs that have been blocked to me for weeks.







In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.






A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning.


Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high.

A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess—unless somebody starts locking the gate!"


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis



What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?

Must be an earthquake!


Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting back on the Pepsi bottle cap?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''


A prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."


The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I am the leader of the local Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew.Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstandin'. I never said you was a member of the Klan, I jus' told a couple of my girlfriends that you was a wizard under the sheets."


Religion CAN Be Funny!










Old Nick was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who lost would go outside and take a walk."


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that damned monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."


KATZ













Hilarious Video! WARNING: It’s a bit off color



Bob Nelson @ The 9th Annual Young Comedians Special

21 comments:

  1. Good job I'm a brunette Nick!!!!!
    I want the car rosary, its soooo funny.
    Thanks for the smiles today Nick.....

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  2. I love the visual jokes Nick - the one of Moses getting the commandments especially! LOL

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  3. Great jokes! As usual!

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  4. You get some awesome jokes Nick - thanks once again for the laughs!

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  5. I like the kitty with the big litter box.

    Congratulations on getting the computer fixed. You're the pro! Do you do house-calls?

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  6. Great stuff, Nick! That video was one of the funniest comedy routines that I have ever seen.

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  7. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!
    Have a great week! x

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  8. I am a day late reading these but they a just a funny on Tuesday as on Monday. Thank you, sir!

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  9. Queenie: Thnak you! Just be careful of things hanging off your rear view mirror: I once had a heavy cross hanging from mine and one day it broke free and hit me in the face!

    Squirl: Thank you—and the dudes and dudettes who email them to me.

    Akelamalu: I’m glad you like the visual jokes. I’ve recently had lots of them emailed to me and they are backing up in my files. I post more next Monday.

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  10. China Girl: Thank you!

    Bob: You are welcome.

    Tug: You are welcome. I have eight new jokes in this morning’s
    email and five new LOL cats and 2 videos!

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  11. Carol: Alex didn’t appreciate the litter box LOL cat. He has warned me that I had best not switch from his Arm and Hammer cat litter.

    Thank you, but I certainly am no pro! If I were it wouldn’t have taken me so long to find a fix that actually fixed the thing.

    Mike in Tucson : Thank you. I, too, enjoyed the comedy routine. So did Tasha when I ran it for her this afternoon.

    Daffy: Thank you. I am working on have a good week. As of the moment, it has been.

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  12. Looney Luna: Thank you. I suppose my philosophy is that any time is a good time to laugh!

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  13. Dear Nick ~~ Some great jokes there. I liked the dog and the leopard one
    best I think. I may have to "borrow" the two short blonde ones.
    I am glad you have sorted out your computer problems. We all have them from time to time, but I for one cannot fix them.
    I always love to see Geoff and Jo.
    Geoff always does some garden work for me. Take care Nick and God bless
    you also. Love, Merle.

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  14. Nick,
    Great jokes. Lol at the little dachunds. Glad to see you figure out your computer problem. Peace

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  15. nick~~first of all, these jokes are great!! except the blonde ones, of course..
    second..isnt alex supposed to be the 'computer genius' around there??

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  16. I can't tkae credit for the LOL catz. I just pulled up pictures and recaptioned them. Mostly with help from my 4 1/2 year old. See, I was showing my husband your Monday jokes about a month ago and my daughter LOVED the cat pictures. So now we have a nightly tradition of checking out the new ones and recaptioning them.

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  17. I can't tkae credit for the LOL catz. I just pulled up pictures and recaptioned them. Mostly with help from my 4 1/2 year old. See, I was showing my husband your Monday jokes about a month ago and my daughter LOVED the cat pictures. So now we have a nightly tradition of checking out the new ones and recaptioning them.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I can't tkae credit for the LOL catz. I just pulled up pictures and recaptioned them. Mostly with help from my 4 1/2 year old. See, I was showing my husband your Monday jokes about a month ago and my daughter LOVED the cat pictures. So now we have a nightly tradition of checking out the new ones and recaptioning them.

    ReplyDelete