Too Bad It's Monday Humor and Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

"It doesn't matter how big a ranch ya' own, or how many cows ya' brand, the size of your funeral is still gonna depend on the weather." ~ Harry Truman

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied,

"Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" 

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

Our days will be oh, so ecstatic,
Our nights will be oh, so exotic,
For I'm a neurotic erratic,
And you're an erratic erotic.
 ~ Yip Harburg, Rhymes for the Irreverent

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, 'You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?'

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you,' the woman replied, 'I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, 'I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?'

The woman looked at him and said, 'Pepper.’

  

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.

One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Marriage Definitions

BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

BRIDE:

A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE:

An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:

A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:

1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.

2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:

What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:

1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:

A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE:

An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:

A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:

Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.:

A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE:

Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:

A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

KATZ

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