AMAZON

Monday, September 01, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?


cat haikus

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.

That will sure show you.


You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!

Behold, elevator butt.


The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.


In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere

will find in morning.


Grace personified.
I leap into the window.

I meant to do that.


Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.

What is so funny?


The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --

your foot just squashed one.


You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my

sitting on your hands.


My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I

can just hide my head.


Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!

What's a 'term paper?'


Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,

Fear vacuum cleaner


I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head

inside your armpit?


Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!

Let me back inside!


Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!

Cat to the rescue!


Humans are so strange.

Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.




When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."


The elderly Sioux chief sat in his reservation house, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in the United States, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.”


A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"


"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"


How to Tell Mother’s Favorite:



A well dressed, debonair man in his mid-nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid-eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

KATZ












Proof of Global Warming

video

20 comments:

  1. Hi Nick, thanks for the jokes. Laughed myself silly at the one about the preacher and the septic tank!

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  2. Bwaaah too funny! I loved the one about the preacher and the septic tank!

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  3. Thanks for the laughs!

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  4. Loved the cat haikus! Happy Labor Day!

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  5. haha... if Alex could balance himself on your monitor i am sure he would :)

    Thanks for the laughs today Nick, i really needed them!

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  6. One of your best Monday morning funnies! I loved the cat haikus and the preacher with the septic tank. The Denny's sign was perfect!

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  7. Thank you, Saintly Nick, for all of the chuckles you give me.

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  8. Fantastic!
    That poor little bird... :o)

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  9. Puss-in-Boots: Thank you. I wonder if that preacher at the “graveside” story might not be true.

    Akelamalu: Thank you. The more I think about the more convinced I am that the preacher at the “graveside” story really is true.

    China Girl: You are most welcome.

    Squirl: Thank you. The haikus are so, so cattish.

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  10. Xmichra: Thank you. I think that Alex may have tried!

    At the moment he is a very needy kitty cat and is reclining on my desk beside me. I believe that the meds have drained him of most of his energy.

    Carol: Thank you. I wonder how many folks identified with that Denny’s sign?

    Fiochra: May you continue laughing for ever!

    The Toff: You are most welcome, sir!

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  11. Chica: Thank you.


    Daffy: Thank you. I was wondering if anyone felt compassion for the little bird. I did.

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  12. :) I LOVE the photo of the cockeral on stilts LMFAO..... fanks for making me smile on this wet cold Tuesday morning here in jolly ole England..

    x

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  13. that video is unreal!!! also loved the septic tank one :)~

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  14. I almost didn’t catch the joke of that first picture! I did think it strange not to see a Garfield at the beginning of your jokes, but then what the little kitty cat was saying hit me and I really laughed! You find the most unique ways to get me to smile, Saintly Nick!

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  15. Thanks Nick for the laughter. Glad Alex is doing well. Peace

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  16. thank you, nick!! love the global warming video & batcat!!!!

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  17. That poor ice skater!!

    Loved the katz - do liek dis one. And mother's favourite.

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