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Monday, September 29, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor



In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




A man is talking with his psychiatrist and says, "I'm a walking economy."


The shrink asks, "How so?"


"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"


FLIGHT!








The story is told of a professor of homiletics at Louisville’s Southern Baptist Seminary who was invited to preach at a small Baptist church in Indiana. He decided to show off his preaching skills by doing a dialogue sermon, in which he interacted with the congregation.


At one point in the sermon he asked, “How many of you are Southern Baptists?”


Everyone in the small congregation raised their hands—except for one nicely dressed woman seat in the last pew. The professor smiled; he had identified his pigeon for the dialogue.


Addressing the woman in the last pew, the professor said, “I noticed, Madame, that you did not raise your hand. My I ask what denomination you are a member?”


The woman replied, “I’m a Presbyterian.”


“And why, may I ask, are you a Presbyterian?”


“Because my mother and father were Presbyterians.”


“Do you really think that is a good reason? What if your mother and father had been idiots?”


The woman, who was no pigeon. thought for a moment and then said, “Then I suppose I would be a Southern Baptist.”



Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.

- "Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"

- "Yes, sounds nasty."

- "I'm glad I'm a chicken."



There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

The lawyer said, "The drugs are wearing off!"


Questions that Puzzle Cats

  • Why do humans try to hide my carrier when its time to go to the vet? I know what they are doing—and where we are going!
  • What is it with the showers and baths? Why can't humans just lick themselves clean?
  • Why do the humans do things only when they hear noise? They wake to noise, they eat to noise, they like the boxes that make noise…

  • Why do humans need lights on at night? Cats don’t.

  • Why can’t humans purr?



The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $350."


The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

"Sure. This is my father!"



The man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.




One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, or nag. But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.

The End


God made the world in six days flat,
On the seventh, He said, "I'll rest,"
So He let the thing into orbit swing,
To give it a dry-run test.

A billion years went by, then He
Took a look at the whirling blob;
His spirits fell, as He shrugged, "Ah well,
It was only a six-day job."
~ Yip Harburg, Rhymes for the Irreverent



A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."

At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"




A city dude decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred baby chicks to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chicks because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chicks.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."



George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"



HUMOR FOR US LEXOPHILES
(LOVERS OF WORDS!)

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!

9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.

13. A will is a dead giveaway.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

19. A calendar's days are numbered.

20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.


KATZ














How Not to Get a Parking Ticket


video

19 comments:

  1. I must remember that video...what a good idea.

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  2. Puss-in-Boots: Yep! It’ rather like folks who put dummies in the cars so that they can drive “legally” in the express carpool lanes!

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  3. You have me smiling and laughing again on a Monday morning Nick! Thank you. Hope you are well.

    (Seen the video before - it is brilliant. Now if only all traffic wardens were as tolerant...)

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  4. Crazy Cath: I am so glad these brought a smile or two to you.

    And I’m glad the tolerant traffic warden didn’t kick the legs of the “person” under the car.

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  5. Thanks again, Saintly Nick, for starting off my Monday with lots of laughs.

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  6. Hahaha! Funny joke about Presbytarians. LOL

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  7. Love my Monday Morning funnies, you start the week, I'll end it :)

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  8. As I read, I think "this is my favorite". And I keep reading. And keep reading.

    They are all my favorite!!

    I love the Monday Humor!

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  9. There are lots of laffs here today, Saintly NIck!

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  10. How do they get kitties with such amazing expressions?

    I had fun reading T.B.I.M. Thanks, Nick!

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  11. thank you, nick! you make mondays worthwhile again!! (how did God ever make the world without these??)

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  12. Thank you, Nick. I have missed reading your Monday jokes while my computer was down.

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  13. Nick, you really do pick the best ones for us!

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  14. Good ones but as always I like the Katz the best. :) ec

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  15. I luv these jokes! THe kat that says "dog started it" is precious.

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  16. how do you get the backwards b? lawl! the sad thing is that that actually happened to a friend of mine...I never let him hear the end of it :)

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