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Monday, October 13, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.







Q & A


Q What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

A "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"



Q Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.


Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.


The farmer said, "Having some problems with them circle flies there, are ya?"


The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."


So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse."


The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"


"Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."


The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket.


After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."


Proud to Be an American!

  • If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

  • If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

  • If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

  • But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

  • Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

  • A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

  • Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

  • That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!


Makes you proud to be an American!



Things You Do NOT Want To Hear From Technical Support

* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So—what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."




"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.


"Good, then I'm in the right row," the man said as he went back to his seat.


Once upon a time there was a woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.

Her explanation: "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."



The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... 'Main entrance'
.


The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."



KATZ












Where Are My Chips?

video

21 comments:

  1. Thank God for your Mondays, Nick. At least we can laugh through our Mondayitis.

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  2. I love these! I know a woman just like the one in the commercial.

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  3. Thank you for my Monday morning laffs. I just love that last giggling kitty kat.

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  4. I was able to read all of this BEFORE I leave home today! I feel much happier now.

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  5. I may not always comment, but I am always here on Mondays! Have a great week Nick!

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  6. How long does it take for you to put these together every week?

    Thanks for consistently creating fun Mondays.

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  7. Lots of funnies today! I love them!

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  8. Thanks for the funnies. These made my day. I hope you have a wonderful week...

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  9. Yellow sack photo: Nobody let the cat out of the bag.

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  10. Love the katz of course, especially the yellow sack and the indignant hair cut but the farmer and circle flies - priceless.

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  11. PS Love Garfield.
    Every. Day. Of. The. Week.
    Love Garfield.

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  12. LOL I loved the tech support ones and as I'm over 50 I will be taking your advice and not growing up! :)

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  13. I love the technical support ones!

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  14. Mondays are my fave day! You sure know how to make me laugh! :o)
    oh and I used to love that like 'That's all Folks' piggie at the end of the WB cartoons!

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  15. Happy Monday Nick - thanks for the laughs, once again!

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  16. Excellent! The Adam and Eve joke was my favorite and the video was hysterical!

    Have a great week Nick.

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  17. Gotta love the last kittie one. Oh and one more thing...

    "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

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  18. Love the kitties (of course).

    Have a fabulous week, Nick, and thanks for the giggles.

    Hugs,
    Laurie

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  19. Nick hi!! Hey I see you are in fine Nick's Bytes with this post. Please forgive my absence. I plan to make up for it big time and I have not forgotten what I have promised you. Currently I'm in Denver with my family. I became a brand new aunt on this Monday. It was good news after the long hard weeks after Ike. Again, I'll touch base with you very soon and get working on what I said I would. My regards to you.

    Milena

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