AMAZON

Monday, December 01, 2008

Too Bad Its Monday Jokes & Humor

Nick’s Bytes’ post of Word AIDS Day was presented on yesterday, November 30th . To view it, go back one day or click HERE.




In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 



The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks. 

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occurred, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Uh oh." 

Only the state of Mississippi was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


INSCRIPTION ON A LIPSTICK

Oh, innocent victims of Cupid,
Remember this terse little verse;
To let a fool kiss you is stupid,
To let a kiss fool you is worse.


Computer Error Messages That You Do Not Want to See

An error has occurred - could be anything really.

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has just occurred?

Error: An unspecified error has occurred. Please correct the error to continue.

Having been erased, the document you were working on must now be retyped.

Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong .

The website you are looking for cannot be located, but doubtless others exist.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Out of memory - it happens to us all eventually.

Illegal error detected - You are not allowed to make this error.

Your computer has performed an illegal operation. The police have been informed.

Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have you a pen handy?

Windows has detected that there is no keyboard present. Hit F1 to continue.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Windows loaded - System in danger.

Unable to exit windows. Try the door.

Fatal system error: Press F13 to continue...

Windows has just crashed. You are looking at the blue screen of Death. No one hears your screams. 


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. 

"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" 

His wife replied, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though." 

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband. 

The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"



The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"

"It’s a mongoose."

"What have you got that for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."


Tom: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Ted: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

Tom: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?


SMART ASS ANSWERS:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 --

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in Front.
'What are my choices?' John asked. 
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 --

A flight attendant was stationed at the Departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended Her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.  Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 --

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 --

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 --

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him an d he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR --

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' 

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' 

The clerk says, 'What denomination?' 

The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..' 


Old Hippies: 


KATZ







REMEMBER:



17 comments:

  1. Thank you, Saint Nick, for again giving me morning laughter.

    May Alex and you have a happy Monday.

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  2. Good jokes again! So glad you were able to join your friend for lunch.

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  3. god bless you, nick. thanks to you my day is starting out great.

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  4. Ha. Love the smart ass answers. Happy Monday, Nick!!

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  5. Hi Nick ~~ Great jokes there. Thanks for your visit and comments. I am so pleased with my gazebo with the garden setting in there. It is very comfortable. I hope you are keeping well, my friend. Regards, Merle.

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  6. Thank you again for brightening my Monday.

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  7. rofl.. this was a really good bunch (but i love smart ass-ery ;) )

    'Your eyesight's damn near perfect... lol.. that one will stick with me today.. hahahaha...

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  8. Good jokes! I love the Smart Ass Answers the best. And the cat in the tie... too cute!

    Have a great week Nick.

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  9. Thanks for another Monday Morning of smiles, Nick!

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  10. I liked the smart ass answers best. But it was all fun.

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  11. Oh boy, the smart ass answers really made my day! LOL

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  12. Aww friend, you always make me smile.

    Stay well.

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  13. Catching up here after a weekend away...

    Promising update on Camryn, thank you!

    Wonderful post on AidsDay...

    As always, love the jokes Nick, & Mondays are PERFECT for them - THANK YOU!

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  14. I always appreciate your Monday jokes no matter what day I read them.

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