Too Bad Its Monday Jokes & Humor: Christmas Edition

Merry Christmas, Ya’ll

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it? 

The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor. 

The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s. 

As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" 

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."  

Q & A

Q. How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb up a tree and act like a nut!  

Q. How do you catch a unique squirrel?

A. Unique up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame squirrel?
A. Tame way.  

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. 

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?” 

I replied: “You really want to know?” 

Then I dropped out of the race.

While shopping for a CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. 

One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" 

That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." 

"In other words this CD player plays CDs." 

"Exactly."

THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED .... 
  
  
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. I took her to a gas station. 

And that's how the fight started.... 

********************************************************* 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. 

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. 

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. 

And that's how the fight started... 

************************************************************** 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. 

And that's how the fight started..... 

************************************************************* 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

 

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started..... 

**************************************************************** 

I rear-ended a car this morning. 

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  

You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just
seem funny? 

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!' 

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' 

And that's how the fight started..... 

**************************************************************** 

I took my wife to a restaurant. 

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' 

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 

'Nah, she can order for herself.' 

And that's how the fight started.....

What Sometimes Saintly Nick Learned from Santa Claus:

KATZ

BAD DOG CHRISTMAS

That's all, folks!