Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!" 

Sometimes it pays to be patient.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. 

"What are my choices?" he asked. 

"Yes or No," she replied.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. 

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. 

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"

 

POOR SANTA

FAIL SAFE

It's a hundred billion dollars
    Every year at your expense,
For the Pentagon to gadget up
    Our national defense.
But it's comforting to know that
    In the up and coming war,
We'll be dying far more safely
    Than we ever died before. 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" 

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us." 

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?" 

"Oh, the stork brought us too." 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted. 

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little. 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

 

 

KATZ