Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

 BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

Charlotte , North Carolina :

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured! them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and WON!

Stay with me.

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that  the lawyer held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?" 

Pharmacist replies: "’Cause that's all we've documented so far."

Finally the Bank Crisis in Terms I Can Understand

The financial crisis explained in simple terms...

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages.  Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debtsincurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better,stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with anew situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. 
  
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. 
  
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 
  
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 
  
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 
  
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' 
  
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 
  
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 
  
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 
  
'Why, eat it! Of course.. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' 
  
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. 
  
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 
  
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' 
  
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 
  
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 
  
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' 
  
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 
  
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said. 
  
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 
  
'What are you doing Sister?' 
  
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 
  
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
  
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 
  
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! 
  
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' 
  
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. 
  
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. 
  
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
  
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 
  
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. 
  
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! 
  
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. 
  
A big smile crept across his face as he said, 
  
'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

WISE QUOTES 

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ~ Fran Lebowitz 

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk in order to provide articles for people who can't read. ~ Frank Zappa 

A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. ~ Albert Einstein  

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. ~  Iris Murdoch 

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.  ~ Franklin P. Adams 

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~ Leo Tolstoy 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason 

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. ~  Kurt Vonnegut

Q & A

Q. What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? 

A. An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year; a mafia actuary can name them.

 

Q. If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first? 

A. The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.

 

Q. What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend? 

A. Homeless!

 

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? 

A. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

KATZ












ALEX THE LOL KAT