AMAZON

Monday, March 09, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 


 BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

Charlotte , North Carolina :

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then
 insured! them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
 cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series
 of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
 that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and WON!

Stay with me.

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
 that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that  the lawyer held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
 company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
 arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?" 

Pharmacist replies: "’Cause that's all we've documented so far."


Finally the Bank Crisis in Terms I Can Understand


The financial crisis explained in simple terms...

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages.  Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debtsincurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better,stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with anew situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.


Finally an explanation I understand...


The parish priest went on a fishing trip. 
  
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. 
  
The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!' 
  
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 
  
'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 
  
'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' 
  
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. 
  
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 
  
'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 
  
'Why, eat it! Of course.. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!' 
  
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. 
  
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 
  
'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' 
  
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 
  
'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 
  
'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?' 
  
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 
  
'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said. 
  
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. 
  
'What are you doing Sister?' 
  
'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 
  
'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'
  
'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 
  
'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! 
  
Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.' 
  
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. 
  
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. 
  
The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'
  
'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 
  
'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. 
  
The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! 
  
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. 
  
A big smile crept across his face as he said, 
  
'You fuckers are my kind of people!'



WISE QUOTES 

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ~ Fran Lebowitz 

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk in order to provide articles for people who can't read. ~ Frank Zappa 

A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. ~ Albert Einstein  

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. ~  Iris Murdoch 

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.  ~ Franklin P. Adams 

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~ Leo Tolstoy 

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason 

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. ~  Kurt Vonnegut


Q & A

Q. What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? 

A. An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year; a mafia actuary can name them.

 

Q. If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first? 

A.
The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.

 

Q. What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend? 

A.
Homeless!

 

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? 

A.
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.


KATZ












ALEX THE LOL KAT












26 comments:

  1. Glad to see Alex in the LOL cats. The lawyer/cigar joke was great as was the fish story! Great Monday funnies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. All good laughs this morning. Thank you for including Alex!

    ReplyDelete
  3. A lot of good ones again. My favorite Alex one is the Bell, Book, and Candle.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Always a light start to my week. Thanks Nick.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The Farmer in the Dell and the turtles did it for me today, Nick. And Alex is always a cutie! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks, Nick, for bringing laughter into my life all of these years.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL there was some good ones there Nick. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, you got all these just in the past week! They're hilarious.

    What a great way to get the work-week off to a start!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good one, Nick! Especially the lawyer, the bank, and the SOB.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Son of a Bitch fish...lol. Love Alex's Lolcat pictures, Nick, specially the last one...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks! This is a nice start of the week for me! Love the cats!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. jennifer: Thank you! Alex’s LOL cat pics have been posted on his blog, Alexicon, but not everyone reads who the furball writes. As for the lawyer/cigar story, it was evidently true—at least according to documentation I found on the Internet. The fish story—I hope it wasn’t offensive to my Roman Catholic readers.

    phishez : Yes, mam—and the furball plays his cuteness for everything he can get!

    China Girl : I thank you—and Alex thanks you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. i beati: Yes, take the turtle band—and you may want to take the song, MacNamara’s Band , with it.


    Squirl: Thank you! I wonder how many folks under the bell, book. And candle reference?

    Cath: I thank you; I think that anything that can assist us being launched into a new work week is helpful.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Carol: I must admit that it took me a moment or two to get the farmer in the Dell. I must have been a bit dense when I received that cartoon.

    Gledwood : Yes!

    Abby: You’re most welcome. It has been quite a few years of Mondays, hasn’t it?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Akelamalu : Thank you. Yes, I think this post had a good crop of jokes and cartoons.

    Barry : Yep, all in one week. Of course, I’ve been publishing TBIM for so long that lots of people, some whom I don’t even know, send me humor. I usually get more in a week than I publish. I have over 500 unpublished KATS and usually get more each day.

    Alan : Thank you. I wondered about putting the lawyer and the SOB in the same post. Both are rather long and I know many TBIM readers just skim the post. I’m glad you affirmed my putting both in that post.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Puss-in-Boots: Thank you! So you enjoyed the photo of the furball napping on the belly of the napping me? I do, too; I enjoy napping with Alex whenever possible.

    Nelson: You are most welcome. I shall continue the TBIM posts as long as I am able. As for the cats, I enjoy that section of the posts more than any other—even when Alex isn’t part of it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Great as usual. I liked the farmer in the Dell best. I'm still laughing when I think of it.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh I love the Alex ones. George says Hi!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Laurie: I thank you—and Alex knows it!

    Dr. John: Thank you. Since you are laughing, my goal has been achieved.

    Liz: I thank you and Alex thanks you and sends a purrrrrrrrrrrrr to George.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  21. [url=http://www.facebook.com/pages/weathercom/298713874092l]www.weather.com[/url]

    ReplyDelete
  22. Medformula online pharmacy offers to buy online prescription medications, generic drugs and herbal remedies, In our online drugstore you can find many
    Meds India Ltd online foreign pharmacy for discount prescription medicines. Shop with freedom, privacy and confidence. All medicines are manufactured by FDA
    Chemist Direct UK provides over 20000 health, pharmacy, beauty and prescription products online at the lowest guaranteed price. Our range of online products
    No prescription required - safe reliable licensed online pharmacy drugstore. Over 3500 FDA approved Rx prescription drugs without prescription.
    We are also the "only" Canadian online Pharmacy to receive accreditation from several U.S. government agencies, including those in Minnesota and Wisconsin,

    [url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74713]Buy Viagra[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74320]Buy Himcolin Online No Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74300]Buy Fosamax Online No Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74564]Buy Omnicef Online No Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74688]Topamax online[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74659]Generic Strattera[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74644]Septilin online[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74021]Abilify[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74188]Buy Cipro Online Without Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74308]Generic Glucophage[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74735]Buy Voltaren Online Without Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74134]Buy Bactrim Cheap[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74276]Purchase Epivir[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74573]Purchase Paxil[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74448]Buy Indocin Online[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74584]Purchase Plavix[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74594]Premarin[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74629]Buy Retin A Online No Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74607]Buy Propecia Online No Prescription[/url][url=http://www.myhero.com/go/print.asp?hero=pending74756]Cheap Zithromax[/url]

    ReplyDelete