Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor & KATZ

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

One early evening, a police car pulled up in front of grandma Marge's house, and grandpa Stanley gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Stanley", said grandma Marge. "You've been going to that park for over thirty years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to his wife, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa Stanley whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Billy Carter are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, Billy Carter heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

10 Signs You’re Over Fifty

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and isn’t breaking any laws.

4. You wear black socks with sandals.

5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "So get your own damned blanket."

WISDOM?

• The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity already attained by the bourgeois. ~ Gustave Flaubert
  
• Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas. ~ Keppel Enderbery
  
• We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ? ~ Lee Iacocca
  
• We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. ~ John W. Gardner
  
• All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. ~ Unknown
  
• You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. ~ Cecil Baxter
  
• Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. ~ Isaac Newton
  
• What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. ~ Oscar Wilde
  
• Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. ~ Mariah Carey
  
• Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. ~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
  
• Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. ~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
  
• That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. ~ A congressional candidate in Texas
  
• I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. ~ Dan Quayle while campaigning
  
• We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. ~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor
  
• Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances. ~ Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
  
• If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. ~ Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
  
• The future will be better tomorrow. ~ Dan Quayle
  

KATZ