Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Below are some of the jokes I received in recent emails. Enjoy 'em! OK?

10 Things a Mother Doesn't Want to Hear on Mothers Day

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain?

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window?

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

10. I'm moving out. (hmmmm… well, maybe)

This morning on the Freeway I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers...


As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute."

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See! It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take all of the meat."

During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers. "I would hold up a piece of cold broccoli and if they were jumping and snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."




The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. John was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in many years, Your Honor."



A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of under taking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify. The Lord guides our desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

KATZ