Too Bad It's Monday -- Memorial Day 2010

Before we get to today's T.B.I.M. jokes & humor, Sometimes Saintly Nick wants to share with you these Memorial Day thoughts:

A Nick's Bytes tradition:

Terry Kelly Singing His Song: A Pitance of Time

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

• "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
• "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
• "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
• "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
• "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
• "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
• "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
• "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
• Number one, 'Cover for me.'
• Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
• Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'
• "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
• "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."
• "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
• "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
• We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
• "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."



A very dirty little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G~d's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

At the UPS cargo phone center here in Louisville where I work, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"


An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

KATZ