Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

End of the World Headlines

• When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
• USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
• The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
• National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
• Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
• Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
• Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
• Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
• Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
• Readers Digest: 'BYE
• Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
• Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
• America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
• Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
• TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY 

Jokes.com
Pete Lee - Materialism
comedians.comedycentral.com

INSIGHTS:

• They say a sneeze is like a little orgasm. Still, please don't sneeze on my boobs. ~ Sarah Silverman
• I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. ~ Fran Lebowitz
• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.~ Garry Shandling
• Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. ~ Margaret Millar
• The secret of being boring is to say everything. ~ Voltaire
• The trouble with normal is it always gets worse. ~ Bruce Cockburn
• America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. ~ Oscar Wilde
• I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. ~ Dave Barry
• England and America are two countries separated by a common language. ~ George Bernard Shaw
• Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.~ W. C. Fields
• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.


Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of beef.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though,when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."


There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for "enjoyment of food"

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turned to Mike and said, "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, - "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

 KATZ

Laughs I have enjoyed through the years that you can purchase and earn me a 4% commission (this is a Sometimes Saintly Nick commercial):

Bill Cosby I Started Out as a Child
 
















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