Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Have you met Josh Blue?

The farmer has a sick ram so he asks the vet to come and look at him. The vet says, “There’s nothing physically wrong with the ram, he just seems to be depressed.” The farmer replies, “I noticed that, so I’ve been piping music into his pen to cheer him up.” “What kind of music,” asks the vet? “Oh just some old favorites, like 'There Will Never Be Another You.'"


A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

The lab monkey trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. They tasted so good.

"What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette.

 

 Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Your Dad Say:

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal."



Seems a guy was driving for hours thru desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied.
"I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"


Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• As smart as bait.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
• A few beers short of a six-pack.
• A few peas short of a casserole.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your profession, or you might miss a great opportunity!



A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"



One Sunday morning a priest and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The priest prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the priest's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The priest was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

KATZ

That's all, folks!