Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and Humor

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

-- "I am a rabid typist."

-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

-- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."

-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."

-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

-- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

 

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

She Was So Blonde That...

- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."

- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- She studied for a blood test.

- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

- She sold the car for gas money! 

 A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!" 

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

"Yes, sir, they were."

"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

"Yes, sir, she did."

"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"

"She said, 'What disco am I at?'" 

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

 

KATZ

That's all, folks. 

You can go back to sleep.