Too Bad It's Monday

Here are what I have judged to be the best jokes I've received in the past week. Enjoy!

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.


"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."


"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."






My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us. "I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"


"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.


The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?


The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."


The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."


The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"


To which the American replied, "15-20 years."


But what then, senor?


The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.


Millions, senor? Then what?


The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." 

For the past few days I have watched the Women’s Softball Championships on TV. I found the games to be much more exciting than I had expected. During on break the (female) commentators talked about the difference between “girls’ softball” and women’s softball. They concluded that women softball players:

·       Do not have highly coffered hair

·       Do not wear short-shorts

·       Do not wear skin-tight jerseys

·       Do not play braless (no bouncing boobs)

Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.The 1st woman had a stroke; the 2nd had a stroke; The 3rd woman would have had a stroke, but her arm was too short to reach.



A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'


A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."


KATZ

Dat be allz, folkz!