Too Bad It's Monday

Did I Read That Sign Right?


In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)






Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids.


She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."


"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.


So Mary bought a playpen.


A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.


"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"






A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest 
with me - is our youngest son my child?"


The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. 


The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." 





When Europeans found this land, Indians were running it. There were: 

• No Taxes 
• No Debt 
• Plenty OF buffalo 
• Plenty OF beaver 
• Medicine man WAS free 
• Women did most of the work 
• Men hunted and fished all the time 

The European man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system! 

X-Rated:

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says "Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her". 


The babysitter responds with "OK". They are cuddling when the boy says "Usually mommy lets me take a bath". 


The babysitter says "ok". The boy is in the tub when he says "Usually mommy gets in with me". 


The babysitter says "Really? ok". 


They are in the tub when the boy says "Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton" 


The babysitter says "Really? ummmmm ok". Then the babysitter says "Hey that wasn't my bellybutton!" 


The boy says "That wasn't my finger either." 

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

• Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago. 
• Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer. 
• Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 
• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. 
• Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. 
• Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 
• Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do! 

KATZ