AMAZON

Monday, July 11, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)


SHORT ONES

  • My girlfriend broke up with me because she said she needed " to find herself." So, I gave her  a GPS.                                                     
  • Did you hear about the blond who had an abortion because she wasn't sure the baby was hers?
  • Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
  • What does a lawyer & a sperm have in common? They've each got about 1 chance in 10 million of ever becoming a human.
  • A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there`s nothing special...  "we just flat out tell 'them they're gonna die."
  • A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully on to a stool and ordered a Banana Split. The waitress asked, " Crushed Nuts ?" "No" he replied, "It's just arthritis."


On the way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder, "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?" When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, and said, "Yes". He informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in He aven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Oh, come on!", St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER??!!! "


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


5 young MEN entered into the military, and were waiting for their drug test results. The evaluator came out to read the results. "Well, we have good news. You all passed the drug test, and one of you is pregnant."


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. The policeman noticed this  and stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, "Why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "OK., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 "Not everybody pays."

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''


KATZ






5 comments:

  1. Good ones. so good I posted todays to my FB wall.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Really really good today, St. Nick! Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
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    3. click ONE of the ads that APPEALS to you from ADChoices boxes and visit there.
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    ReplyDelete
  4. Good jokes. I needed to laugh tonight. Thanks, Nick.

    ReplyDelete