Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.)

KATZ

Cat Person Profile Quiz: Questions

Is your devotion to your cat and "cat things" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

--Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?

--Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?

--Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"

--Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?

--Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?

--Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?

--Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?

--Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?

--Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?

--Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?

--Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?

--Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?

--When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?

--Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?

--Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?

--When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.

--Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

RESULTS FOLLOW THE CARTOON

Cat Person Profile Quiz: Results

How many did you answer "yes" to? I think just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

--1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.

--5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.

--9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.

--14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)

Stupid sports quotes

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." 

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." 

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." 

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." 

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes." 

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." 

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." 

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992) 

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982) 

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981) 

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966) 

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981) 

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991) 

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991) 

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) 

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987) 

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

KATZ