Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

• Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
• I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
• If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
• The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
• If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
• I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
• Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
• No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
• If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
• My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
• The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
• I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
• I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
• It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
• The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
• If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
• I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
• The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
• I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.
• If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."`


A well dressed, debonair man in his mid-nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid-eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."



KATZ