Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

Shredded Similes, Mutilated Metaphors

For your entertainment, actual similes and metaphors found by high school English teachers from across the country in their student's essays. 

- Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 

- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances, like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 

- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

- She grew on him like she was a colony of e-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 

- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 

- Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 

I want to be a bear...... 

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. 

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. 

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. 

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. 

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 

Yup...... I want to be a bear!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. 

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" 

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect human being. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect huoman, stand up." 

Nobody stood up. 

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up." 

One elderly gentleman stood up. 

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed. 

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.


Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"


Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."


They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.


One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol ... Sol ..."


Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"


"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.


Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"


"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."


"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.


Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."


Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"


Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."




The Wisdom of Will Rogers

• Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need. 
• An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. 
• Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth. 
• Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff. 
• The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking. 
• The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
• You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way. 
• The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How is the president?"
• There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. 
• Things ain't what they used to be and never were.
• This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. 
• We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? 
• You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is. 

KATZ

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