Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and Katz)

Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents.


"Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added....


"And, Carol?"


"Yes, mom?"


"Call them first and let them know you're coming."




My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Cincinnati Reds one night.


Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.


Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.


As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turns to me and says... "That was nice! How many of those do you get a game?"

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.


St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."


The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.


St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"


Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.


"That's right! You may enter."


St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."




A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.


For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.


Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.


Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.


Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" 


The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.


I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". 


"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? 


"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man. 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall. 



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. 


"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 


"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


You might be a redneck if...


You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.



KATZ