Monday, November 14, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.)

"They have found bird flu in New Jersey, but not to worry. If any of the birds get out, New Jersey's natural toxic waste will take care of them" --Jay Leno

"The Secretary of Health and Human Services is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?" --Jay Leno

"This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno


My forgetter's getting better, 
But my rememberer is broke 
To you that may seem funny 
But, to me, that is no joke 

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering 
If I really should be "there" 
And, when I try to think it through, 
I haven't got a prayer! 

Oft times I walk into a room, 
Say "what am I here for?" 
I wrack my brain, but all in vain! 
A zero, is my score. 

At times I put something away 
Where it is safe, but, Gee! 
The person it is safest from 
Is, generally, me! 

When shopping I may see someone, 
Say! "Hi" and have a chat, 
Then, when the person walks away 
I ask myself, "Who was that?" 

Yes, my forgetter's getting better 
While my rememberer is broke, 
And it's driving me plumb crazy 
And that isn't any joke.

Stand-up Comedy 
WARNING: Adult ("dirty") Words

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm." 

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. 

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. 

"Superb! I can't believe it," the young mother said. 

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: 

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. 
Successful applicant must be bilingual. 
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. 

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. 

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." 

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager. 

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you." 

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer." 

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual." 

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"