AMAZON

Monday, November 07, 2011

Too Bad It's Monday





Confucius Says

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.


- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.


- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.


- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.


- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet.


- Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.


- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. 


"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said. 


"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. 


"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head. 


A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said. 


Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed. 


The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was again hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head. 


Again, the good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, I told you that's evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said. 


Again, Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed. 


The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was still hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head. 


Mother Nature appeared, and, abracadabra! Little Rabbit FooFoo was turned into an ugly goon, never to terrorize mice again. 


The moral? 


Hare today, goon tomorrow...

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. 


"How come?," his nephew asked. 


"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. 


"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."




A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her, she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enough and said, "My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?"





There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."





Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

KATZ





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2 comments:

  1. I love Little Rabbit FooFoo!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The dictionary words are very funny, especially Karmageddon.

    ReplyDelete