Too Bad It's Monday

Thanks to MA BELL internet, I am a day late with this post. Is time to break Ma Bell up again?

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....

Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

All over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included! 

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 


2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.


3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.


4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.


5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!


6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."


7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.


8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.


9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.


10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("


11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."


12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.


13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.


14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.


15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.


16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.


17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.


18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.


19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.


20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

The Australian Christmas


Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh


Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give


Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh


Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for Christmas - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." 

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." 

After Christmas his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" 

"Yes, I did," said the fellow. 

"Did she like it?" 

His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!"

A young teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10.  There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9.  Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8.  No need to clean the chimney.
7.  There’s no latke-nog.
6.  Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5.  You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4.  You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3.  No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2.  No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.


and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…


1.  Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

KATZ