T.B.I.M. Laughs

Too Bad It's Monday

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. 


He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?" 


Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." 

He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. 


The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called. 


The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. 


"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." 


"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" 


The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"





A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"


In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.


Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."

Yogi Berra said:

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." 

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." 

KATZ