Monday, February 27, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday Humor

In the spring of 2005, almost seven years ago shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday(T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression! ~ Lots of dudes said this

A Good Pun is Its Own Reword

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

- A backward poet writes inverse

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. 

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. 

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. 

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." 

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. 

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." 

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. 

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. 

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. 

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit. 

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. 

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant." 

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." 

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well. 

After another year, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual. 

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." 

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. 

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" 

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." 

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" 

Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, "A quickie, please." 

This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. 

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" 

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference. 

"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Yes, sir," replied Larry. 

"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"


That be all, folks!

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