Monday, March 19, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday Humor to Get Through the Day

About Chocolate

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

The following are a few letters sent to Abigail Van Burin (Dear Abby) that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Inventions Bound to Fail

*The water-proof towel 

*Glow in the dark sunglasses 

*Solar powered flashlights 

*Submarine screen doors 

*A book on how to read 

*Inflatable dart boards 

*A dictionary index 

*Dehydrated water - Just add water 

*Waterproof tea bags 

*The helicopter ejector seat

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. 

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." 

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word. 

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." 

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." 

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings." 

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." 

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." 

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay." 

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird." 

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." 

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." 

"You can break love, but it won't die."

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. 

"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. 

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" 

"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." 

"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. 

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" 

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"



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