Monday, March 05, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday Humor

My Inner Wisdom 

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath. 

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. 

5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal. 

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. 

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. 

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too. 

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. 

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. 

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

Remembering 1957

The following were some comments made in the year 1957: 

(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00." 

(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one." 

(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 

(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" 

(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." 

(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." 

(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." 

(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it." 

(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 

(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President." 

(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." 

(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." 

(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." 

(14) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 

(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." 

(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." 

(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." 

(18) "I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. 

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. 

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things. 

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shite! What happened next?"

A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: 

"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....." 

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for the next generation???"

You Know You're A Cat Person When... refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox." do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair. consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber. apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark. snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down. sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute! accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor. spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids. decorate your Christmas tree with dangling cat toys. 

...your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats." have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet. refer to your cat as your furry child. 

...your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild." plan your vacation around the cat show schedule. accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!

Observations and Quips:

  • "Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope, today is getting from one to the other." ~ UNKNOWN 
  • "The next time you pay your property taxes, remember every local politician who went to Hawaii on your dime." ~ NYC Voter 
  • "We have Weezer on the show tonight. Don't confuse that with the Rolling Stones - that would be geezer." ~ Jay Leno 
  • "My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?" ~ A Wife 
  • "I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in." ~ ANONYMOUS
  • "We're going to have a terrorist attack, but we don't know where or when. I think you could say the same thing about tornadoes." ~ UNKOWN  
  • "Tom Cruise is reportedly looking for a home in Toledo, Ohio. The reason for this is so that he can have a short commute to Crazy Town!" ~ Conan O'Brien 
  • "The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee." ~ UNKOWN
  • "Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up." ~ ANONYMOUS 
  • "Regis Philbin and Donald Trump have a holiday CD coming out. Here's how that odd idea came together. They both go together and realized there was money in New York that they yet did not have their hands on and said, "Let's do this!" That holiday CD will make a great dumpster stuffer." ~ Dave Letterman
  • "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'What do you need?'" ~ ANONYMOUS
  • *NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?" ~ ANONYMOUS   


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