T.B.I.M Humor, Jokes and KATZ

This is the 8th year of Too Bad It's Monday posts at Nick's Bytes. Sometimes Saintly Nick hopes you enjoy today's laffs and that you take the opportunity to explore previous and future T.I.B.M.s, as well as my new Friday Funnies.

This is a variation of another, older joke: 

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic school . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.  'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
   
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.  


A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'


But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 


'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.


And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep. 


The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'


The nun fainted.

A rich blonde buys the New Automatic BMW X6 Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, But at night the car just won't move at all.

She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. She then furiously calls the BMW dealer and they send out a technician to her, the technician asks:

Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?? 

Full of anger, the blond replies: You fool, idiot man, how could you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use D for the Day and N for the Night...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" 

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
• We need... = I want
• It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. 
• Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. 
• We need to talk... = I need to complain 
• Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
• I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! 
• You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. 
• You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. 
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. 
• I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... 
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! 
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. 
• Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. 
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
• I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
• Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. 
• In response to What’s wrong?: 
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!

The story of someone getting a haircut:

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! 

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? 

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. 

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. 

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. 

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. 

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut? 

Man1: Yeah. 

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I racked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

• A CAT always hits the litterbox. 
• Better chance of training a CAT. 
• No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to
• pretend you like it. 
• You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother. 
• If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you. 
• A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner. 
• You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails. 
• It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend. 
• You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a 
• party. 
• A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
• If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

KATZ

Want more humor?

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