Monday, September 10, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday Humor plus KATZ

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. 

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces. 

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?'' 

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!'' 

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" 

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. 

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly. 

The witness still did not respond. 

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." 

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!" 

"Very good," said her mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" 

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" 

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25." 

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. 

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. 

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. 

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." 

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. 

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" 

The general replied, "In Vietnam." 

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. 

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." 

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." 

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. 

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" 

"Canada, sir," the boy replied. 

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. 

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." 

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." 

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. 

"Never better." 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. 

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" 

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. 

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" 

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. 

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." 

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" 

Joey says, "To your house!"



Sometimes Saintly Nick's Silly Sunday Jokes

Sometimes Saintly Nick's Friday Funnies