Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and KATZ

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them. 

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. 

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"


A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund. 

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?" 

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. 

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?" 

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. 

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you." 

So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed. 

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?" 

"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. 

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" 

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." 

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" 

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. 

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. 

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" 

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. 

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" 

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. 

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" 

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. 

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" 

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. 

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." 

So they laid off the night watchman. 

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. 

Not Bad. 

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. 

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. 

"Yup" replied the drunk. 

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. 

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!" 

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." 

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. 

Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

KATZ

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