AMAZON

Monday, October 22, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday, Humor and KATZ


Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. 

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, 

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" 

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. 

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" 

To which the parrot replied: 

"Get him, Brutus!" 


A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. 

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." 

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." 

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose. 


A vet gets a midnight phone call from a farmer. "I`ve got a very constipated cow - been like it for days, it`s in great pain, what can I do?" 

Sleepy vet, knackered after working all day and all evening, says: "If you`ve got one of those small bottles of highly concentrated milk of magnesia, get that down it and I`ll call you in the morning to see how it is." 

Next morning the vet rings: "How`s the constipated cow this morning?" 

"Cow?" says the farmer. "I said cat." 

"Oh God," says the vet, "did you give it the concentrate?" 

"Yes, I got the whole bottleful down its throat, I used a small funnel." 

"Oh Jesus," says the vet. "how is the cat?" 

"It`s out in the garden." 

"Dead I suppose?" said the vet. 

"God no," said the farmer, "it`s out there with four of his mates, two digging and two filling in." 



HIS AND HER ATM MACHINES

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake



A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" 

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" 

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."



There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. 

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. 

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. 

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. 

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, 

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." 


A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." 

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." 

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" 


At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" 

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" 

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. 

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!" 


KATZ






















3 comments:

  1. Great stuff, SSN! I believe I know who took the pills. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Always a tonic to visit you on a Mponday, Nick. Simi loves those dogs at the ATMS!x

    ReplyDelete