Too Bad It's Monday Laughs

Old, but (maybe) funny:

Jose is 17 years old and lives in Mexico. All his life he has wanted to see an American baseball game. So, one night he sneaks across the border and hitch-hikes his way to the second game of the World Series. He tries to get in, but since he doesn't have a ticket, the security guard won't let him in. Jokingly, the guard tells poor Jose to climb the flagpole if he wants to see the game. And that's what Jose did.

Well, it was time to start the game, and everyone stood up to sing the National Anthem. Jose watches the game in amazement and joy. When it was over, he slid down the flagpole and hitch-hikes his way back over the border to Mexico.

When he finally gets home, all his friends ask him, "So, Jose, how was eet, the baseball game?"

And Jose replies, "Eet was wonderful, amigos. The people in America are so kind! The first thing they did, even before they start the game, was to ask me, `Jose, can you see?' "


The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son.

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!"

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. 

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. 

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" 

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

When I first heard this one it was about dogs:

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. 

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. 

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. 

"What happened?" she asks. 

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" 

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked. 

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is." 

"Why not?" demanded Jenny. 

"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up." 

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people." 

"Why not?" demanded Jenny. 

"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day." 

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" 

"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older." 

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it." 

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!" 

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?" 

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!" 

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" 

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!" 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. 

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. 

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." 

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." 

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" 

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

KATZ