Nick's Bytes: Too Bad It's Monday Humor: Christmas Eve

Monday, December 24, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday Humor: Christmas Eve

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,

We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;

"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",

Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.

Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",

Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,

As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,

Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Tweets I've recently received (and sent):

I've been single so long, a family of bats has taken up residence in my bush. ~ Delilah Smashbox
My brain makes pinball noises when I star tweets. ~ SpaceSquirrel ‏
Fuck Bras....it's Saturday!!!;) ~ Ember Reigns
I have come to believe that Tolkien pattered Hobbits' eating and sleeping habits after my cats. ~ Nicholas Temple
I have many things to do today. Right after twitter. ~ Gone
Stumbled across Catfish: The TV Show. Pretty sure I loathe myself. ~ Malnurtured Snay
In this picture I forgot to show my boobs, but you can look at my ass ~ Katya Sambuca
Dear Santa, please have enough copies of the Pitch Perfect DVD to go around..I don't want to have to pitch slap my sister to score one ~ Rebel Wilson
Before settling on the Seven Dwarfs we know today, Disney also considered Chesty, Tubby, Deafy, Hickey, Burpy, Wheezy, and Awful. ~ Mental Floss
This is the link to me taking a shower with my friend. http://bit.ly/TWXw4d ~ Chelsea Handler
My dad, high on Ambien, just walked up the stairs backwards as he wanted to "see if it felt different." Better living through chemistry.~ ThoughtsFromParis ‏
I have friends in spite of myself ~ TheBloggess ‏
Bit by a spider last night. Now, I can shuffle my feet on the rug and make a spark at the doorknob. I will only use this power for good. ~ Steve Martin
White wonder. pic.twitter.com/8ocDlVcV ~ DianeKeaton ‏
I always get the Mayans and the Wayans brothers mixed up. ~ Jeff Wild
My socks have a very classic "foot" smell tonight ~ Sarah Silverman
Getting my 12-12-12 tattoo right now! http://twitpic.com/blh3n9 ~ Pauley Perrette
If video games are really the problem I think in the 80's we'd have heard a lot more stories of plumbers being assaulted with barrels. ~ Danny Zuker

Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!
One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."