Monday, December 31, 2012

Too Bad It's Monday New Year's Eve Edition

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile, my goal has been achieved. 

  • The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. ~ Elizabeth Taylor
  • When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. ~ Marquis de la Grange
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~ Redd Foxx
  • I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly. ~ Michel de Montaigne
  • The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. ~ Mark Russell
  • When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. ~ Lenny Bruce
  • She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities. ~ Henry James
  • Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. ~ Doug Larson
  • Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. ~ George Bernard Shaw

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma coma first. Den I coma. Den two asses coma together. I coma once-a-more. Two asses, they coma together again. I coma again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook

[Note: I have heard this joke in several versions with the protagonist being from different Christina denominations].

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door from the monsignor:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Cat's 2013 Resolutions

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in � and visa versa.
4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)
2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day. 

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

New Year's Eve a drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"

"It’s a mongoose."

"What have you got that for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."


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