Too Bad It's Monday Humor, and (lots of) KATZ

In May of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) In the seven years since I have posted thousands of jokes. Most still come from folks who email me; however, I have read so many that I find I am receiving variations of jokes I have already shared. So, if your read a joke here at Nick’s Bytes and think that you have read it before, you probably have. 

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

Dr. Phil proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.' So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before 6am I finished off a bottle of Wine, a bottle of Bailey's, my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

WISE (?) WORDS

• Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. ~ Aldous Huxley
• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. ~ Woody Allen
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~ Noel Coward
• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. ~ Sue Murphy
• Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is. ~ William James
• People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. ~ Soren Kierkegaard
• You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. ~ Al Capone
• I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~ W. C. Fields

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you damned chicken.'

A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"

The foreman replied, "Insanity."

The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. 

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

KATZ

Sometimes Saintly Nick's suggestions for more laughs: