Too Bad It's Monday Humor, Jokes, and KATZ

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. 

So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

GAMES IN CORPORATE AMERICA

• The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
• The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
• The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
• The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together. After a week they are thoroughly bored. The men decide that if they change partners maybe life will take on new meaning. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying. 

The morning after the exchange, one fellow says: ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.

At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."

The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replies the passerby.

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

KATZ

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