Too Bad It's Monday Jokes and KATZ

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. 

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! 

"Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. 

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Celebrating Dick Van Dyke being honored with Life Achievement Award at Screen Actors Guild Awards:

The Dyke van Dyke Show, Episode 1

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now! 

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home and get her out of the house before my wife gets home, I'm a dead man."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." 

The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. 

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." 

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. 

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. 

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly. 

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks.

The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road.

After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. 

She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."

KATZ

For more laughs, Sometimes Saintly Nick suggests:

GO WAY