Too Bad It's Monday

I remain quite ill so this is an abbreviated post.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?" 

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." 

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. 

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" 

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!" 

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past sixteen years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. 

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! 

She went on and on and wouldn't stop! 

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. 

How do you do that? Says the other. 

It's easy! I turn off the light! 

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" 

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 

"How do *you* know, Sister?" 

"My Mother Superior told me so" 

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" 

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" 

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" 

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know" 

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. 

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" 

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?" 

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

KATZ

For more laughs, Sometimes Saintly Nick suggests:

That's all, Folks!