If you are lucky enough to work or attend school where Presidents' Day is recognized as a holiday, you may want to save this posting for Tuesday when you will need some humor to get through the day.
Q: What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
A: Ape Lincoln!
Q: Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?
A: He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?
A: Babe Lincoln!
Q: Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?
A: After a while, he took it for Grant-ed!
Q: Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?
A: To keep his head warm!
Q: What US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?
A: Abraham Stincoln!
Q: Why was Abraham Lincoln barn in a log cabin?
A: Because it was too cold to be born outside!
Q: Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?
A: They're both on the (s)cent!
Q: Why did they call Lincoln "Honest Abe"?
A: Because that's what it said on all his campaign buttons.
Q: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A: Because he couldn't lie.
Q: What do you call George Washington's false teeth?
A: Presidentures!
Q: What would you get if you crossed the first US president with an animated character?
A: George Washingtoon!
Q: Was General Washington a handsome man?
A: Yes, he was George-eous!
Q: How did George Washington speak to his army?
A: In general terms!
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."
The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."
So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on."
College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."
Farmer: "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready."
College guy: "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."
Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"
College guy: "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"
Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?" The friend asked in surprise.
"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."
"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered Pete. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-- Sauce unknown
KATZ
Sometimes Saintly Nick and Alex's recommendations
for more laughs:
Wonderful laughs, SSN. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLove the "pope" cat!
ReplyDeleteO dear, i must steal some of these. Thank you for the monday laughs Nicholas. (That poem!)
ReplyDeleteHaha!
ReplyDeleteLove these!